My grandma (Ma B) hated funerals. Hated them so much she refused to go. "They are too damn depressing," I remember her saying. I tend to agree with her. When she passed away we had a small lakeside gathering with family only. I never really understood her deep dislike of funerals until I attended a few and realized that they bring up all sorts of painful memories not only for the person being remembered, but for those who have passed before. She lived to the old age of 87 and frequently complained that "everyone I know is dead." She had a lot of people to mourn during her lifetime so I suppose it was just her way of surviving the pain.
I thought about my Ma B a lot this weekend. One of Gene's good friends passed away over Thanksgiving. He was incredibly close to her family; he dated her sister in high school and they have remained good friends. Doolittle, as I will call her because of her profound love of animals, struggled with sobriety for a long time. Tragically, she lost her fight at the very young age of 29. Her family is completely devastated. It's hard enough to lose a loved one who lived a long and full life, it is unbearable to lose one who barely had a chance to make her mark on the world. But make a mark, Doolittle certainly did. She was loved by so many and will be missed every day. I remember visiting her and Noah (Doolittle's former boyfriend and Gene's best friend) in Durango and talking for hours about animals, her love of Durango, and her plans for the future. She never met a stranger.
Her service was an affirmation of her life. Friends and family stood up and told their favorite memory of Doolittle. She had friends from Canada, Arizona, Durango, Denver, etc. who all came together to pay tribute to a wonderful friend. Without a doubt, Gene's speech stole the show. He spoke elegantly of how Noah and Doolittle's friendship-turned-love was responsible for bringing most of the people in the room together. He spoke of her love for animals, her wonderful family, and the good times they shared in Durango. He also talked about grief. Gene's brother passed away in a car accident when Gene was in college. Through tears he promised her family that it would get easier; that the memories that bring so much pain will one day bring them comfort. It was a beautiful speech and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. His mom cried for Doolittle and the son she'd lost years ago. I think it was especially difficult for her because her son is buried in the same place where Doolittle's service was held.
The whole experience was heartbreaking but also inspiring. It inspired me to try and make the most out of every day; not that all days will be good days (hello, Mondays still exist) but I should try my hardest to make every day meaningful. It also inspired me to look out for the people in my life more. I think I'm often too nervous to ask people how they are doing, in the fears that it will make them uncomfortable. Or I assume that they will get better and I shouldn't meddle in another's business. Unfortunately, they don't always get better. Some people need to be meddled with to realize how important they are to you and their loved ones.
And, Ma B, I learned that funerals have their place. From Doolittle's programs:
To Every Thing There is a Season - Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
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